The first combat casualty in the war against terrorism left a wife, two children, and parents. That was his family. The reporters asked the father about the loss of his son. He could be expected to recite his feelings without breaking down in tears. Our culture indoctrinated him in the old school.

The father told of this pre-holiday conversation with his son, stating a sadness that the soldier couldn't be home to celebrate the season with his family.

The son's response was: "I am with family"

Men in service have long been more at home with "family" of fellow recruits than in other social circumstances. With their buddies, especially on the battlefield, they could laugh, hug, cry, or otherwise show all the emotions society had conditioned them not to show in public.

What was considered manly - that is soldier-like - was preferred, the uniform clothing a hero. Being looked up to also appeared to put the man in control. However the soldier is not in control. He is controlled by his conditioning. As men are conditioned from childhood to remain in control at all times, they are beginning to see what they lose when they shut off their emotions in social relationships.

And now we again exalt the soldier in a "war" that is very likely unwinnable. We show patriotism by waving the flag and cheering the terrible deeds of the battlefield. That does not entice young people to join the ranks of killers these days. Not that I belittle the bravery of those who are put in the front lines. With the capability to destroy targets sight unseen, front line heroes will become fewer and fewer.

We must find ways for men to become manly without killing. Is there some way that men can come to see manhood as a natural human state just by being?